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Duality

And so … a story …

When I say I was very naive and closed off for a very long time … this is completely true … but it is also true that I’ve always been incredibly open minded as well … sexual things that would shock other people would never really bother me … at least not to the same extent …

It was as if I came to have two sides … almost like a split personality … just without complete disassociation … though the “good girl” ruled in most respects almost always … and especially so from the time I was around 19 …

I simply shied away from the the things I would so easily excuse or think nothing of in others … in terms of my own experience I avoided all things too sexual … fear was stronger than any other drive or curiosity …

So as it happened … when I was in the last year of high school … and over the period of a couple of years following … I came to hang out with a particular group of friends …

This was my most rebellious period … such as it was … edging towards exploratory … but just too mixed up from the demons of my childhood to make headway in any positive or meaningful way … only ever succeeded in getting myself emotionally hurt … which is why I subsequently shut down for so long thereafter …

But that’s a different story … the point of this one is that one of those friends was gay … his name was Brian … and we became very close as friends … I never had any thought to convert him … no thought to have him as a prospective partner … though he was certainly good looking enough … I just didn’t think of him that way … or vice versa …

He had had an even more fucked up childhood than me … molested repeatedly by his uncle beginning when he was 7 … and continuing until he was about 12 …

I got to know him in senior year … when he had come back to high school after having run away for a while to Toronto … while there he had survived in the bathhouses as a male prostitute for a time …

Strange picture I know … me the surface innocent … the ice princess … with a friend like that … but he was a good soul … unfailingly generous … and a whole lot of fun …

Flamboyant as hell at times too though lol … could be screamingly gay … “oh girlfriend let me tell you … I’m more woman than you could ever be!” 🙂

As time went by I came to meet other gay men as a result … friends of his … some of them his partners … it was an interesting time … you could say I got to do a kind of exploration in total safety for a while … from the sidelines …

An uninhibited group they were … that time did me good I think … though after I met the man who would become my husband we drifted apart … and I started back down the safe but lonely path I would stay on 30 years …

There was a party once though … at the height of our friendship … was a period when I would stay out half the night … couldn’t go to bars because I was too young and looked younger … and had little use for much in the way of drinking or drugs anyway … but even at that some of those times were a little wild …

One night I crashed at Brian’s place … he was out on his own at that point … and when I got up in the early morning I walked past an open bedroom …

It was two of our other friends … Blair … who I had also become fairly close to … and one other whose name I can’t remember …

And I saw … up close and personal … what it looks like to see two gay men together … I was surprised of course … and I suppose a little shocked … but mostly I just stood there … fascinated more than anything …

Around 18 I was … just standing there watching gay anal sex … the sights … the sounds … and wondering at it …

My experience has been so much a dichotomy really … a surface of well cultivated purity … me the “good girl” … above “all such things” as it were … and yet always comfortable in the dark as well … at ease in places many others might see only as a lesson in “dirty and disgusting” …

From where does the compulsion to judge come from … to set one’s own path to connection ahead of all others … and consign all those alternate paths to some hellish oblivion … what I saw seemed to me nothing more than one of the many natural ways in which two people … so inclined … might choose to touch … and so I was fascinated … even as I could not yet imagine myself finding it easy to similarly participate … albeit in the heterosexual context I am more personally drawn to …

And so it was with him … when he found me … the protective barriers had only just begun to crack then … and I was flying blind … whether they would have fallen for good or gone back up without him is anyone’s guess … I was in a dangerous state …

But when he spoke to me … I was ready to hear … because I’ve never believed in “dirty” … not down deep where it counted … he came to me to be my revelation …

He was what I needed … the man who could help me see my own nature clearly … lead me to the place where I could find the courage to own myself … and what I really believed … where I could embrace the adventurous dreamer I always was at heart …

Gay men … or women … sex in cars … or out of doors for that matter … whips and collars … ropes and chains … from one to many … I truly see no problem … no matter what ordinary “polite” society might think … what exists between knowing and informed consenting adults is their business and no one else’s …

The only bad things in my experience are cruelty … injustice … and lack of compassion … selfishness … greed … ignorance and intolerance …

So in thinking of all the things I have done or would do … for him and with him … I can truly say that there have only ever been good things … asked and answered … things done from love and simple attraction … not so very different from what I saw that day … unique in kind but not in substance …

We two are connected … just as he has often told me … like souls … perfectly balanced … Master and slave … I kneel for him with perfect joy …

I am with the one man who was able … from a standing start … to truly understand the crazy duality that is me … in part perhaps because I was equally able to understand the similarly unusual duality that is him … given time and the quiet required to know my own heart …

We are home …

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