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Id

Freud, in one of his elaborations on the structure of the psyche, describes the id as follows:

“It is the dark, inaccessible part of our personality, what little we know of it … is of a negative character and can be described only as a contrast to the ego. We approach the id with analogies: we call it a chaos, a cauldron full of seething excitations. … It is filled with energy reaching it from the instincts, but it has no organization, produces no collective will, but only a striving to bring about the satisfaction of the instinctual needs …”

And whatever critique one might make of Freud’s theories in general … can we not all relate to this idea … that there is primitive part of ourselves that is oblivious to reason or limitation … a part of ourselves requiring regulation by the higher order workings of our minds …

Regulation and restraint … an imposition of reality onto the free-flowing realm of our dreams … and our nightmares …

And yet experience has also taught me that to attempt to entirely deny the existence of this chaotic core in ourselves … this inheritance from generations past … our one true undeniable birthright as a species … is the worst possible mistake …

Regulation always … as a matter of survival we must surely temper our passions … listen also to the analytical voices advising reason over easy self-gratification … regulation always … but denial never …

Those inner voices … those instincts and drives … what is born in the heart … those will find their way somehow … and so we must let them live … play their part in this life … or see them consume us entirely … from the inside out …

I have thus come to live so much closer to those voices now … with my own ego … my rational self … now more open to the cries from that dark unknown …

It is a far healthier state of affairs than ever existed before …

At times I will let the conscious mind go … so far as that’s possible … and ride the winds of those uncontrollable emotions … so that they may speak … here in the words I write … so that they may find purpose in action … as unthinking service to the object of their fondest desires …

When so many speak of “the edge” … this then to me is where one finds it … in that eternal negotiation between reason and madness … between darkness and light … between those conflicting parts of ourselves which are both essential to life …

When the mind truly flies it can feel at times as though you might never come back … except in one great catastrophic fall to earth … what foolishness to go … knowing how easily destruction might await … how brutally reality may think to suddenly return … extracting its price …

But if we are to truly live it is the only way … high in the sky without a net in sight … blind to consequence and impervious to restraint … stretching limits so far that you eventually forget what the old ones seemed to be … in some moments at least this is how we must allow ourselves to be …

And so I seek often to touch this place with my mind … whether in dreams … or in poetry … or in physical ecstasy … I seek to return to those moments when the darkness is so close it feels like light …

He always waits for me there …

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